40 Confessions of a Trafficking Survivor

The Confession by Pietro Longhi

1. It’s not that I thought I’d have a hard time making it to age 18, I just assumed I never would
2. I think about going back to “the life” because I feel like, at least there, people understand me
3. I feel unlovable
4. One time or another I had to trade sex for survival (ie. food, rides out of life threatening situations)
5. There were moments when I enjoyed having power over men… naïve because it was power that I quickly lost each time
6. There’s not a single day where something doesn’t remind me of my trafficking situation: a car, a smell, a name
7. When men look at me lustfully I wonder if they’ve seen pictures of me on the internet
8. It’s rare that I feel safe
9. I am in mourning over my childhood – I desperately wish that I could act like a kid again but I’ll smack you if you treat me like a one
10. I have a deep need to be heard
11. Some days the road to healing doesn’t feel worth it… it’s just too hard
12. I don’t want anything bad to happen to my traffickers but…
13. I wouldn’t mind hearing that they had died
14. I don’t fully trust anyone, especially myself
15. Exhaustion is a daily battle
16. It feels as though anyone who looks at me immediately knows…well, everything
17. I feel shamed
18. Just at the moment I begin to feel whole, I start to feel like I’m going crazy
19. I usually don’t know what I want or know what I need
20. I’d never want to let you know it because I try to act tough, but I can be pretty sensitive
21. Pushing someone away is a lot easier than watching them leave
22. I assume you’re going to leave
23. I assume you’re going to hurt me
24. Death doesn’t scare me– for several reasons
25. There was a time when I really believed that my traffickers loved me and I loved them
26. I often feel stupid and incapable
27. Sometimes I miss the ease of being mean
28. During my trafficking situation I abused any substance I could get my hands on – the only way I knew to survive was to become numb
29. I never thought that anyone would believe my story
30. For years, I lived in fear for my life
31. People have been very cruel and judgmental
32. To the “Johns” no, I did NOT like it, it wasn’t good, you’re not the biggest I have ever seen, I did not choose this life, I’m not thankful for the extra tip, and I really, really do not want to call you Daddy
33. My “freedom” was expensive
34. I’m scared that I’ll waste this second chance of life I’ve been given
35. I would be nothing without grace
36. I owe much of my freedom today to people speaking truth and love into my world
37. Choosing to fight for joy is unimaginably hard, but a fight I’ve chosen
38. I secretly hope to have a “normal” life someday
39. Though I may not always let them know it, I love the people now in my life
40. I’m blown away at how blessed I am today

*Please note that these are just confessions of my own.  Every survivor’s situation and path of recovery is different.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as encouragement to those who understand it all too well.
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Posted by 9to20 on October 12, 2011

https://9to20.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/40-confessions-of-a-trafficking-survivor/