Dear Unhappy Happiness

Dear “You”,

I miss you so desperately today.  It’s Thanksgiving so it makes sense because I always miss you more on the holidays.  I left because it wasn’t safe; I had no choice really, but I still was the one who left and as far as I know you’re still there… living next door to hell.  You protected me, you taught me, you were hard on me but you loved me, and I left.  I beg God for your sanity and hope that you’re not hauled up in the corner of a bar alone somewhere tonight.  I watch happy families today… they joke, eat, play games, argue over petty things and I just can’t stop thinking about you.  I’m caught off guard when I find msyself in happy moments today because that happiness quickly makes me unhappy… What about YOU?  Where are you? What are you thinking? Are you thinking of me like I’m thinking of you? Are you dissapointed in me?

We were so close but at the same time never really talked, in a straight forward way, about “real life.”  We just talked around it– but that is our way. (Well, that was our way.) If only I could just reach out and hug your arm again.  But no, situations wont allow that.  People have said to me that in time things may change and I could see you again but I know better.  I won’t get my hopes up for that– the chances are too unlikely.

My heart hurts; down to the movement of every beat, my heart hurts without you.  I remember us swimming in the rain, the long drives with just the two of us, the cheap meals we shared, the expensive gifts you bought me that you couldn’t afford.  In the remembering even the bad times are sweet.  The moments I hated you were few but even those were worth all the rest.  I hide one picture of you away in a white box on the bottom of my bookcase shelf.  I hide another picture of you in the back of a frame hanging on my wall.  I can’t have you face out in the open because it’s too much for me to miss but I can’t help to still want you close.  This sucks.  This isn’t fair.  It’s not fair.  I keep grieving as though you’ve died but you’re still very much up around and living… just far away from me.  I’m just far away from you.  I hate evil because evil corrupted what we had and rejected our bond.

I had no choice.  So on days like today, I’m left missing you dearly.  I hope that you have happy happiness and not the unhappy kind.  I hope the best for you.

Love so much,

Me

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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3 Comments

  1. Becca Johnson

     /  November 26, 2011

    You’re awesome, gracious, and amazing!

    Reply
  2. I love that you’re intuitive enough to connect the “missing someone” to the “temptation to return” Becca. 🙂 Don’t worry though– I do realize that returning is deadly and though this letter could have been written from the perspective of many girls to their pimps, mine was nor directed at my trafficker but someone else I was close to. Thanks for your support– it means a lot!

    Reply
  3. Becca Johnson

     /  November 25, 2011

    Thanks for the heart-felt, honest, vulnerable sharing!

    Missing is understandable. Missing is normal. Missing hurts. Yet..
    Returning is unthinkable. Returning is deadly.

    Reply

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