Powerless

I hate being powerless. I hate being powerless and if I were to let myself, I’d become the very worst version of “me” in the search for opportunities to exert power over others… more specifically over men. I hated those moments… you’re on bottom, the man is on top – he’s forcing you to call him daddy… a word you despise twofold… one you hate your father and two, you just flat out think it’s disgusting. They pin your hands down, your legs apart and they take from you your ability to choose, to want, to need. I hate being powerless.

I hate being powerless so much that I’d rather harm myself as a way of proving that I at least have control over something… I’d deny myself food, or cut my skin, or drink myself down with hope of passing out.

Control is the opposite of powerlessness and I need control to feel ok. While I now know this to not necessarily be true, I need control to feel safe. You see the “worst version of myself” I referred to earlier is the woman who would stop at nothing to hurt a man and herself just to prove that she is capable of something powerful… not weak.  In my younger years, when my father would turn me out and force me to go with men I hated for sex I’d find myself sometimes sneaking into bars on the way home to flirt with other guys. I’d flirt, not to “get” but just so that I could become the ultimate tease to then turn and walk away. I wanted to be in control — scratch that; I was never really in control. I wanted to feel like my world wasn’t out of control.

Power is what the weak want and the strong take for granted.

Power is what generations of societies have told men they have a inalienable right to–

It’s what the same societies have told women they don’t deserve.

Power ushers in cooruption when it’s not coupled with grace.

Power without wisdom is selfish.

Power can be good and beautiful and righteous – we just so often forget to paint with these shades.

Power to the people?

I don’t trust that.

Power to the governments?

I don’t trust that either.

Power to the one true God who was and is and is to come.

He is the only power that hasn’t taken advantage of my memories and scared my future.  His is the power I’ll yield to.

In yield in God’s power not to become the worst version of myself.  I yield and thank Him for saving me from what could have been so much worse.  A trafficked girl’s recovery process is all about redirecting formally misdirected power and learning to use it appropriately.  Help me put the power back where it belongs.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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9 Comments

  1. Hey girl, awesome post. So glad that we have One that we can turn to who will NEVER abuse His power. Keep fighting, friend.

    I’m hoping that Marty is receiving the follow up comments. Marty, there is an AWESOME organization called Truckers Against Trafficking. Please, please check them out. They do trainings and have all kinds of materials that you can pass out on the road, as well as some specific instruction about how to report this when you see it. Their website has a video with an amazing story of a girl who was abducted with her cousin in broad daylight outside of a Wendy’s and forced into trafficking, specifically servicing men in truck stops. A trucker called the police and she was rescued because he took the time to make that one phone call. Her life was literally spared because of him. If you work for a trucking company, you can ask your company to have TAT come do a training so that you and others can save the lives of these amazing, precious girls. Here’s the website: http://truckersagainsttrafficking.com/ Blessings to you!

    Reply
  2. Nik

     /  January 5, 2012

    I realize that women sometimes need to just talk with no desire for a particular answer and men will invarably try to fix a perceived wrong. I’m guilty as charged, but even having said that I’m hoping that this might perhaps help, if even just a little.
    From
    Lisa Thompson [lisa_thompson@usn.salvationarmy.org]
    FAAST & NCC Event: “Transforming Lives . . . From Survivor to Thriver” January 9, 2012, Washington DC Wed 9:05 AM

    Reply
    • Hey Nik – thanks for the heads up. Is Lisa the one running this event?

      Reply
      • Nik

         /  January 7, 2012

        I’m not entirely sure of the set-up; whether Lisa is running the show or not. This particular event is sponsored by the Faith Alliance Against Slavery and Trafficking (FAAST) and National Community Church (NCC). If nothing else it’s certainly endorsed by the Salvation Army (a great organization by the way).

        I apologize that Lisa’s web site wasn’t more definitive. I tried opening it myself and didn’t get anywhere with it but here’s one that will take you right to the event.
        http://www.faastinternational.org/#/faast-resources
        They’ve also got one in Baltimore on the 10th.

        The Salvation Army is holding another event in Oklahoma City, OK on the 13th. This event is a little different and I hesitate to mention it because it involves educating people as to the horror of HT. The only reason I bring it up is because they’re starting a new ministry to reach young women who have been victims of commercial sexual exploitation. The phone numbers are 405-254-1143 and 405-603-4676. I, of course, don’t know if you’re up to grappling with such as this and please forgive if you’d rather I hadn’t brought it up but for the sake of what you’re doing with this blog I thought I’d mention it.

        I do hope I haven’t procrastinated too long in getting you this info.

  3. Thanks for a powerful, intimate reflection on the personal suffering caused by human trafficking. If your readers want a list of books or movies on human trafficking to find out more, I’m compiling a list on my blog. http://humantrafficking.wordpress.com If you know of books that you think would be helpful to others, let me know and I’ll add them to the list.
    -Carl Isaacson

    Reply
  4. Marty D.

     /  January 2, 2012

    You are getting deep here…a sure sign of your growth in the Lord. It’s wonderful to see how God is molding, shaping, healing and guiding you by His Holy Spirit.

    I’ve read some of your posts and have learned a few things. I’m an independent trucker who has had many prostitutes knock on my door and I’ve picked up many girls hitch hiking. I have always tried to give them something to think about (their safety, the danger of their actions, the weirdos that are out here…and everywhere, how the Lord does offer more, etc). I’ve always had a heart for misguided girls and have never “used” or taken advantage of any of them. This is also by God’s grace. Some girls have been a temptation but I would not give in. Kept my focus on being a light for them. Only problem is I never had a place to refer them to. My job ends with giving them something to think about. And the word of God, which has it’s own power. And prayer. No one can hide from prayer. It goes around buildings, into homes, bad places, into other countries and God knows where that person is that I’m praying for. I know by faith that He is accomplishing His will to reach them more, after I’m gone.

    May God continue to take you through this tough, yet profitable, time of growing in Him.

    Reply
    • Thanks for your comments Marty – it’s really interesting to hear from the perspective of a trucker because of curse you run into the issue a lot. Thank you for taking a stand against abuse and mistreatment of women and for working to see the reality of situations. I would like to mention something else to you as well – please recognize that the far majority of these girls you’ll see involved in prostitution aren’t there because of choice and very well to not have the option to leave – even if they say they do (because they WILL say that they do). 😉 Your well intended words of encouragement, warning and direction are great but be careful as they may come off as merely judgement to some of the girls who have purely been forced and abused into their situation without any choice of their own (again this is the far majority, believe it or not.) Thank you as well for your prayers – you are SO SO right that nothing can stop those! I’m not sure where you’re located so it’d be hard to refer you to specific outreach services and to be honest there are little out there. However, what I would love is if you could read the book Renting Lacy (written by Linda Smith). It’s a very short read but a tough one. Also consider signing up for Shared Hope International’s DEFENDERS program (free I believe). It’s a group specifically for men taking a stand and provides some neat resources. You may even want to consider getting multiple copies of the book to hand out to the girls you meet. Again Marty, thanks. 🙂

      Renting Lacy book: http://www.sharedhope.org/Resources/RentingLacy.aspx
      DEFENDERS (men’s program): http://www.sharedhope.org/thedefenders/home.aspx

      Reply

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