Those Flashing Lights

A deep pit forms in your gut, your palms moisten, your heart rate elevates and breathing shallows… all at the sight of those flashing blue and reds.  I knew he was coming for me.  Cops and I don’t have a great track record of getting along.  Now, aside from the obvious involvement in prostitution and some other various crimes (mostly necessary for survival) I really was a good citizen.  I wasn’t into vandalism, I didn’t drive recklessly; being stupid for stupid’s sake was never part of my entertainment agenda.  Without being ignorant, I realize that the people you associate with or the neighborhood you’re in (or your skin coloring, dress, makeup, etc.) leads to officers of the law making certain assumptions about a person… and I get it, statistics and learned behaviors do allow for certain things.  It’s when I’ve been all cleaned up, out of a bad environment and a minor infraction gets blown out of proportion that that target (that must be) on my forehead becomes all the more obvious.  It’s as if cops somehow just knew that 5 days out of the 7 I’d been breaking the law, but because they caught me minding my own business on day 6, they were going to give me a hard time anyway.

I know you might be thinking… “what’s her point?” so allow me to relay a few scenarios… Keeping in mind that by the grace of God alone I don’t have a criminal record.  Sadly, I’ve met a lot of dirty cops– those guys you see on CSI who would rather take a stack of cash, a stash of blow or a back seat sexual favor rather than withhold justice… they’re real (but I hope not as prevalent as my bias leads me to believe). I’ve had a cop hit me with his gun because my friend smarted off.  I’ve been offered a ride home out of the rain only to be asked for a generous “thank you” in return.  I’ve been issued a speeding ticket while on my way to the police station in fear of my life, all the while begging the cop writing the ticket to just simply help me.  I’ve watched as one officer guarded the door for another as he negotiated prices with my father.  I’ve been humiliated, intimidated, and pressured while trying to file charges against my abusers.  I’ve been laughed at and called every name for whore, hooker, and slut that you can think of that I wont write on here.  I’ve been cuffed as a minor, thrown into the back seat as a minor, raped as a min– well, that doesn’t even matter that I was a minor.

Cops and me just have had a track record of not getting along, so when I got pulled over tonight, for the first time in years, it activated a lot of old fears.  I’ve been very blessed recently to have met some awesome members of law enforcement.  There really are men and women out there who care about preserving justice in a dignified manor and I’m thankful for each and every one of you… but I still have these old wounds.  I was pulled over tonight because one of my headlights was out and was let go with a warning (my first warning ever- whoo hoo!).  I feel very fortunate not to have gotten a ticket but that was about six hours ago and I still can’t get myself to calm down.  I immediately went into “hyper-alert”, my mind reeling with plan B’s, plan C’s, plan D’s on how to escape.  I don’t need an escape plan here but it’s just a natural response for me.  Oh how I wish it wouldn’t be that way… if you are one, or if you know of a “good” cop out there, do me a favor and point him/her my way.  The more of these legit men and women we see standing up for what’s right, the better for all of us! Thanks…

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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1 Comment

  1. Danielle

     /  January 30, 2012

    There ARE good cops out there; those cops enter the force, not to lord their power over everyone else, but to uphold the law and do whatever is required to help those in need. I know from experience; my dad’s a patrolman and has incredible integrity. He holds his troopers to the same level of integrity. I would trust any of them with my life and have a high level of respect for them all.

    It makes me sick that there are cops who would abuse their power to prey on those who are weak and in need. I’d love to deny they exist, but I couldn’t bear to discredit your story and hurt. The only explaination I can think of that most of your experiences have been with dirty cops is that Satan was working hard to keep you under his thumb, and allowing a good cop to cross your path would mean your salvation.

    Please trust me when I say that there are cops you can trust and who would fight for you. There are incredible Christian men in law enforcement with incredible intentions.

    (Also, the sweaty palms and racing heartbeat don’t go away. The reasons for them will, though.)

    Reply

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