To All Those Other People…

Painting on the Peace Wall in Dublin, Ireland

To all those people who said I was worthless- F— you.  I’d love to be able to show up in my city again some day as a beautiful, successful and stable woman and say “You see this?  You see this f—in’ world?! I AM something and f— you for thinking any different.” I want to leave that city on my own terms… Not like the scared little girl running for her life that I was, but like a women taking control of her future that I strive to be now.  I want that so bad.  I want it so bad, I feel I need it.

There were all these people who thought they knew me who didn’t.  All these men who thought they owed me who didn’t.  Boys who had feelings for me who knew no better- girls who hated me for all the wrong reasons.  Cops who didn’t understand me- teachers who said I just didn’t apply myself… My life was a life of misunderstandings… Or more honestly, a life of lies.  It’s different now, much different, but my past paradigm makes it very hard for me to make sense of the harmlessness in my present situations.

I’m told that the people around me now are good people and I’ve only seen evidence that this is in fact true.  Yet, it’s a constant struggle for me to understand and believe because of every person before them uttering the word “worthless” to describe me.  I want desperately to be loved in a healthy way but I find myself pushing, with every ounce of strength in me, my heart back away. The struggle is exhausting, and nothing new I recognize.

It’s always the blemishes from times past that shape our future – whether we want them to or not.  Dammit, it’s frustrating.

"Love Will Win" (Peace Wall in Dublin, Ireland)

Growing up in this age of technology all I can yearn for is the “Reset” button, but there is none.  I have the scars I have, physical or otherwise, because of my past.  That’s just fact but doesn’t have to define me.  In order to survive it’s our job to make beauty out of all the screw-ups.  There is no other way.  Thank God that He’s a better artist than I am.  He can figure out how all the seemingly ugly pieces fit together into lovely.  His paint is thick enough to cover the dark marks of abuse.  He heals the image and creates a future.  So screw you Past… I’ll take your pieces with me to construct something new but I’m not taking the whole of you.  The whole is just pure shame.  I choose the pieces and I choose a new image.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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4 Comments

  1. Deborah

     /  February 1, 2012

    I don’t use it as a cheat sheet, but I do to verify my feelings and thoughts about what is going on! 🙂 LOVE YOU!!!!

    Reply
  2. Becca

     /  February 1, 2012

    Your honesty and vulnerability are refreshing and needed. You express yourself clearly and beautifully. Your courage amidst struggle and your determination amidst an horrendous past are an encouragement to all. You ARE amazing and NEVER more to be called “worthless”.

    Reply
    • Thanks Becca. 🙂 I’m RARELY one to allow myself to be vulnerable in person so this blog has been a great excuse for me to practice doing do in a safe way… all the while ignoring that I have a couple close friends who read it as a “cheat sheet” to how I’m really feeling about life. Haha. I think these issues deserve to be talked about in a transparent way… it’s easy for society to ignore statistics about trafficking and to brush them off as obscure issues not understood, but a story… a real living and breathing person’s perspective and experiences are a little harder to shove in a corner and forget.

      Reply

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