The “D” Word

I’ve come to a pretty pivotal revelation today… “Dependence” does not have 4 letters– it is not a cuss word… though I’ve lived most of my life treating it as such.

While co-dependent may not be healthy, inter-dependent may be.  My intire life I’ve thought of my independent spirit as being a good thing… One of those qualities that I pride myself in. (How very American of me!)  I still remember the day my mother threw a T-shirt at me that had on it the logo above reading “Independent”.  She yelled, “Well you might as well just wear this!”  I knew she was frustrated as crap with me but I couldn’t help but smile.  Although, I’m now beginning to realize how my fierce independence has actually limited me.

I just a late lunch and found myself wondering outside to sit on, of all things, the swing to read.  I look around and all I see is “dependence” as it’s patterned in nature.  The greenery is dependent on the rain and sun, the flowers on the bees, birds on the trees, etc.  Glancing over at the house and think, “hmm, I didn’t build this house I’m living in– someone else did.”  Though, I think if I really set my mind to it I could build my own place, I’ve chosen not to.  Why?  Well… I’m sure I wouldn’t built it as well as a professional contractor and it simply wouldn’t be cost effective.  I didn’t grow the food I just consumed indoors either– knowing that technically I could have.

I make these sorts of interdependent choices everyday, whether I recognize them or not, and yet I still call myself fiercely independent.  Why?  Because of pride and fear… Fear to let people have some sort of meaningless power over me… Fear of being taken advantage of or appearing weak.  It all sounds so ridiculous when I see it on paper.  If I really was in fact fiercely independent then I would be living alone in a remote cabin I built by hand, making my own clothes and  killing my dinner every night.

On Wednesday’s post I wrote out a pledge to everyone, including the phrase “I pledge to ask for help when I really need it.” I believe it was that very same day that a friend called me out for not asking for help.  (She literally texted me a quote from my own blog! Now that’s just playing dirty!)  If the very essence of nature screams out Community! Live in Community! Function in Community!  If by God’s design we humans are called to fellowship and partnership with others– then how can I deny it?  I’m not doing a 180 over night, but I am seeing the term dependence with fresh eyes and a ready heart today.  I’m trying.  I’m striving to recognize that one of the not-so-obvious residual effects of trauma is a desperation to feel like I can take care of myself… no matter what… but that I don’t always have to.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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2 Comments

  1. Theresa

     /  February 10, 2012

    I used to call myelf a child Victim…then a survior… Now at 56 years old, I have finally come to a place of rest… I am a Victor… Through Christ! He is my Savior! I am fully 100% dependant on HIM!
    Where I was once a prisoner of guilt, shame and pain, I am now FREE! I no longer have nightmares of the (Bad man’s hand’s!) But, I see Jesus’ hands! Hands that were nailed to a cross for me! Hand’s that paid the price and took all my scars, sin and shame and nailed them to a tree! I am free now, because of my dependance on Him!
    I now live VICTORIOUSLY IN God’s Hands one day at a time! And I want other’s to KNOW this same love that they can find Hope, Healing and Joy that comes from having a relationship with the Savior of the world, Jesus! Who came to set the captives free!
    Galations 2:20
    It is no longer, I who lives… But, Christ who lives in me! The life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith In the Son of God who loved me and gave His life for me!
    The past is in the past…. I now walk forward, expecting God to walk with me. Nothing is impossible for Him. He has come to set us free! To deliver us from all evil! He is the way, the truth and the LIFE! And I am living it! And living proof, that Greater is He who is IN me, than, he that is in the world!
    Thank You, Jesus!!!!!

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