A Journal of Pity

I hate pity… I mean I REALLY HATE it.  Compassion?  Yes please.  Sympathy?  Sure.  Pity?  Hell no.  It brings me humiliation and makes me feel worthless and weak.  In reading back over some old journal entries I found the following, written a couple months after I left my trafficking situation:

 

My friend said to me today “Whenever I think my life sucks, I just remember yours!” What the hell am I supposed to do with that?? And from my friend? Well gee, I’m glad I could be of service?  I’m back in [my new city] after yet another visit back to court.  I can’t even begin to tell you how hard this experience has been.  Yea, I moved into a strange place I’m not too fond of, into an unstable job, and totally different type of community that takes a lot of adjusting, but that’s not the hard part.  What hurts so much is that it’s becoming harder and harder to silence the lies infiltrating my mind... lies like: you’re being punished for dishonoring your father, you’re going to fail, you can just kill yourself and it’ll all be over, you’ll never win, this is too hard, you’re worthless, you were just a willing slut, you’re crazy… it goes on and on and on throughout most of my day.  Physically, I’m in so much pain– I can’t sleep and I can’t eat well.  I’m lonely, I’m scared, I’m weak, and I obviously have moments where I can’t think clearly.  I feel like I’m living in a constant panic attack.  I know that the road is still long ahead of me, filled with the eternal flashbacks and nightmares.

BUT…  If this all is what it takes to save someone else from even a hint of the pain I’ve had, than it’s necessary.  I will NOT give up for the simple fact that so many people gave up before me.  I can’t help but think that if someone before me had hung strong, than maybe I wouldn’t be in the mess that I am in now.  I’m very angry with my father and I need to get over it because in my head it’s turning me into a whiny brat.  If my father didn’t do all this to me, if he could just leave me alone than I wouldn’t have had to run away from my entire life.  I wouldn’t have had to run away from everything I’d even known.  But, the reality is, he did, and I can’t change that.  It’s not going to do me any good to keep blaming him so I need to just make the most of where I am now.  I’m angry at myself because I feel like I’m letting people down by not being stronger.  Everything in me wants to pull away from people and try to do it all on my own, but I know I can’t.  I hate that people have had to help me so much and a day doesn’t go by where I don’t feel bad about it.  I feel weak, and dumb, and greedy, and incapable, and unlovable.  I feel so so very alone but I hate the pity.  Please God don’t let there be any more pity.”

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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7 Comments

  1. no pity here. but a great, deep compassion. i hope that’s okay. the wish to reach out and be there and tell you ‘i feel you. i hear you’. and ‘you can do this’ .

    Reply
  2. I remember feeing those same things hun. The first year is, indeed, the hardest because there is a lot of disbelief and pity. I told my “life coach” at one point that I was walking out of her office and going back to what I knew because noone believed me or cared anyway and she could shove her pity train.

    I never pity anyone. As you know, we survivors don’t need pity, we need support. I’m here, supporting you with love. Remember that 🙂

    Reply
    • Haha I love that Naja! 😉 Thanks for sharing. Pity really is one of those things that’ll try to drive you back to your old life isn’t it? Don’t want to be pitied, just believed (and if possible understood), right?

      Reply
      • YES! The belief is what I NEEDED {and still do years later} I think it’s fundimental in our recovery that people believe. Without belief and acceptance, we feel isolated. Much like we did in our previous lives.

  3. Nik

     /  February 22, 2012

    I can easily say and in the most sincere emotions I possess, “I’m here for you Kiddo whenever and whereever I can possibly be”, but I’m only human. I’m weak, I’m vulnerable to the temptations of my being vulnerable, I sometimes listen to the wrong voices and act upon them win I should be running from them.
    It took me many years to get past my “stuff’ but God is Great and far exceeds the strength of the evil one. His arms are open wide and ready to embrace you as He did me. You’ve already felt those arms but perhaps it’s time to “realize” those arms; their strength; their love and their abundant grace for any and all situations.
    I just received an old Hymnal from one of my Elders. As I was thumbing through it’s pages I happened upon the song, “Leaning On the Everlasting Arms”. It’s a beautiful old Hymn that speaks of our daily journey as we pass through this life. One of the verses says,”Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day”. It’s doable if we keep our eyes and hearts on Him because He is here for us and will never let us go, never. I can say and I can mean to the very core of my being, “I’m here for you Kiddo”, but I’m so subject to falling, so subject to failure it frightens me. But God will not fall nor will He ever fail. He is here for you Kiddo. I am here for you also but a very distant second standing off in the shadows, and someone you don’t even know, but that’s not true of God. You know Him and you love Him and He can not but love you as well, so hang in there Kiddo, He’s here for you…and so am I.

    Reply
  4. Theresa

     /  February 22, 2012

    Sweet girl…. Don’t confuse pity with God’s Hand of Love! So many want to help you, let them! God is reaching out to you through others. Through a Godly innocent touch! Sometimes, we just have to start trusting at some point! Cry out to God, He will have pity on you! (He loves you, unconditionally)! He will send Godly men and women into your life if you are expecting Him too! They will love you like Jesus!
    It is possible…It happenes! Seek and you will find Him!

    Reply
    • Darn you Theresa! If I didn’t know you I’d be aggravated at you for this comment… but I do, and you make some good points. Yes, I will watch out to not through away God’s love (and His love through other people) thinking it’s merely pity. Thanks… 😉

      Reply

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