No Pumpkin at Midnight

Do you ever feel like you’re racing a clock?  Some cosmic deadline that’s going to take away all the good in your life.  When you’re life is filled with evil, you’re fearful that you’ll never see good.  When your life contains good, you’re fearful that the good will expire… you’ll either drive it away or it’ll walk out on its own.

You see, I knew without a vein of doubt that I wouldn’t survive until the age of 18.  Death seemed inevitable and I grew very accepting of that fact from a young age.  Obviously I was wrong, but that idea of life having a short “spoil by” date still resonates within me.  Some people struggle with the idea that life is seasonal and they have a hard time coping with change.  I have the opposite issue – to me, everything in life is season, and it’s only a matter of time before this season evolves into the next.  Change is constant and honestly I become nervous without it.  There’s both good and bad in this type of thinking.  One the one hand, it helps me to take solace in a time of trial, as I can trust it will pass.  On the other hand, it brings a certain assumption that relationships, loved ones and peaceful living will sooner or later end.

I sit on a couch, so thankful for many things in my life and yet I can’t help but be terrified that they’ll leave.  I know, I know, I know that doom isn’t impending.  People around me have lost their breath telling me over and over again that they’re not going to abandon me and I so want to believe them.  I know that I feel this way because of all I’ve experienced before.  People and situations that presented themselves as good ended up causing great pain.  I know this doesn’t have to always be the case and I’m in a much healthier place than I was before surrounded by healthier people… but I still can’t make myself believe.  I want so terribly to run away… to run away before I get hurt yet again.

Lord, please bring a shift in my reality, or rather a shift in my perceptions.  I want to believe.  I want to believe there is hope.  I want to believe that I don’t have to run anymore.  I want to believe that I can be still and stop racing the clock.  I will not turn back into a pumpkin after midnight because this is not a fairy tale.  I am not Cinderella, I am … well, you don’t get to know my name. 🙂 This is my life now and it is good.  That doesn’t have to change.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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