No Pumpkin at Midnight

Do you ever feel like you’re racing a clock?  Some cosmic deadline that’s going to take away all the good in your life.  When you’re life is filled with evil, you’re fearful that you’ll never see good.  When your life contains good, you’re fearful that the good will expire… you’ll either drive it away or it’ll walk out on its own.

You see, I knew without a vein of doubt that I wouldn’t survive until the age of 18.  Death seemed inevitable and I grew very accepting of that fact from a young age.  Obviously I was wrong, but that idea of life having a short “spoil by” date still resonates within me.  Some people struggle with the idea that life is seasonal and they have a hard time coping with change.  I have the opposite issue – to me, everything in life is season, and it’s only a matter of time before this season evolves into the next.  Change is constant and honestly I become nervous without it.  There’s both good and bad in this type of thinking.  One the one hand, it helps me to take solace in a time of trial, as I can trust it will pass.  On the other hand, it brings a certain assumption that relationships, loved ones and peaceful living will sooner or later end.

I sit on a couch, so thankful for many things in my life and yet I can’t help but be terrified that they’ll leave.  I know, I know, I know that doom isn’t impending.  People around me have lost their breath telling me over and over again that they’re not going to abandon me and I so want to believe them.  I know that I feel this way because of all I’ve experienced before.  People and situations that presented themselves as good ended up causing great pain.  I know this doesn’t have to always be the case and I’m in a much healthier place than I was before surrounded by healthier people… but I still can’t make myself believe.  I want so terribly to run away… to run away before I get hurt yet again.

Lord, please bring a shift in my reality, or rather a shift in my perceptions.  I want to believe.  I want to believe there is hope.  I want to believe that I don’t have to run anymore.  I want to believe that I can be still and stop racing the clock.  I will not turn back into a pumpkin after midnight because this is not a fairy tale.  I am not Cinderella, I am … well, you don’t get to know my name. 🙂 This is my life now and it is good.  That doesn’t have to change.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

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2 Comments

  1. That is an awesome prayer you just prayed, and because it’s completely in line with His heart for you, I fully believe He will answer it.

    He makes all things new.

    Reply
  2. Nik

     /  March 1, 2012

    I’LL NOT TRY TO CONVINCE YOU, THUS INSULTING YOUR INTELLEGENCE, THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER BEFORE JESUS BRINGS YOU HOME. NOR WOULD I TRY TO MANIPULATE YOU TO THINKING SOMETHING FALSE OR THAT IS ONLY DESIGNED TO BENEFIT ME AND NOT YOU IN ANY WAY.
    ALL I CAN TELL YOU, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE, IS THAT I’M HERE FOR YOU KIDDO. NOW, AS I WRITE THAT I HAVE TO BE AWARE OF HOW LAME IT SOUNDS SINCE HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I BE THERE FOR YOU THROUGH A NAMELESS BLOG. WELL, I HAVEN’T A CLUE EXCEPT THAT MY SOLE PURPOSE IN SAYING IT, ASIDE FROM MY COMPASSION AND IT’S VALIDITY, IS TO ENCOURAGE YOU THAT REGARDLESS OF DISTANCE OR THE FACT THAT YOU SELDOM, IF EVER, RESPOND TO MY COMMENTS I’M ON YOUR SIDE, I AGREE WITH YOU, I’M LISTENING, I’M IN YOUR CORNER, I’M IN PRAYER FOR YOUR PEACE AND JOY WHICH I HOPE WILL LEAD TO YOUR HAPPINESS AND A FAMILY OF YOUR OWN, AND, OF COURSE, A CLOSER WALK WITH YOUR LORD.
    IF I’M LEFT WITH ONLY THE FACT THAT YOU READ MY COMMENTS I’M CONTENT THAT MAYBE I’M DOING SOME GOOD. THERE’S BEEN A NUMBER OF TIMES I’VE THOUGHT FOR SURE I’VE BREACHED “BLOG ETIQUETTE” IN SOME MANNER AND GONE OVERBOARD WITH WHAT I SAY BUT YOU HAVEN’T CUT ME OFF SO I HAVE TO ASSUME YOU’RE READING WHAT I WRITE. AND THAT FACT ENCOURAGES ME THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE MY WORDS AND MY ENCOURAGEMENT TO YOU ARE, IF EVER SO SLIGHTLY, SEEPING INTO YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS. MY HOPE AND PRAYER IS FOR YOUR COMPLETE RECOVERY AND THAT YOU’LL HAVE THE LIFE YOU CAN ONLY DREAM OF NOW.
    SO TO THAT END ALL I CAN REALLY SAY, AND BACK UP, IS, “I’M HERE FOR YOU KIDDO”.

    Reply

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