Pulled Over Again

WARNING: The following is not entirely rational, merely “reaction-al”…

I got pulled over again tonight and it just triggered this horrible flood of memories and feelings.  Yes, police officer, of course pull me over because my head light is out.  Yes, fine… but in the same breath I want to scream, “Where the hell were you all the OTHER times?!”  Where were you when I was getting raped? Where were you when I was running for my life, afraid a man was literally going to kill me and you STILL gave me a speeding ticket?  Where was your Mr. Protect and Serve attitude when you hit me with your gun and called me a “dumb whore”?  Where was your compass of ethics when you agreed not to take me in for prostitution as long as I agreed to toss a couple “freebies” your way?  Where were you when I knew I didn’t have a choice?

Why is it for the majority of my life that I’ve not looked at cops as the good guys? I SHOULD.  I should look at you as someone I can trust but all and all I don’t.  I look at you as a man who triggers all kinds of horrible protective feelings.  Even today, you make me feel like the old me… like the one who’s still outside the law, running scared and running for her life.  It’s not right.  Why didn’t you protect and serve ME?  Why instead for all of those years did I see more of your abuse of power than anything else?  It’s not right.  It’s not right that I get pulled over for a simple thing, that yes is my fault, and I still am terrified– down to the bones of my soul, terrified that something really awful is about to take place.

I’m bet that this officer who pulled me over tonight isn’t pure evil, but I still can’t help but feel distain for him.  It’s been almost an hour and I still can’t help the huge tears flooding down my face – and I hate that.  I hate that this is still such a strong trigger for me.  I want to scream, I want to hit something… I want to replicate the destruction I feel on the inside.

Probably didn’t help me case but asI was digging for paper work to hand the officer I came across a brochure on trafficking and asked, with a smile, if he wanted to learn about it.  Of course he said no.  Whether he meant it that he didn’t care or he was just annoyed at my attempt to be conversational it still struck me like a metaphoric punch in the gut.

Step up law enforcement – step the heck up!  It’s YOU who are here to protect and serve the innocent.  It’s YOU who missed about 30 instances where you could have intervened in my trafficking situation.  When I’m in a better mood I grant people a lot of grace for not being able to act against what they don’t know exists.  In this moment however I’m just going to say STEP UP.  Be the men and women of honor that you’re supposed to be– prove my fears of your profession wrong!

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 4/15/12)

Leave a comment


  1. James Gregan

     /  April 25, 2012

    Thanks for doing this. It is more important than you know and I hope your sharing helps you find your way.

  2. Theresa

     /  April 18, 2012

    I was a child victim as far back as I can remember…I am no longer a Victim, but a Victor IN CHRIST! I had never shared my story of this abuse with men, until God took me to Africa, and stood me in the middle of a Men’s Prison yard. He allowed me to share His Grace and His forgiveness to all these men. I was shocked at what he did there! I found myself at the end of my time , sharing my story, standing there with my arms raised, my eyes closed, offering a prayer for healing and hope, Grace and forgiveness for these men. The very thing that haunted me as a child…(the bad man’s hands), were now the very thing that were holding my arms up, when I opened my eyes! God used, what was once horrible, dark and ugly to become healing, Grace and Love to these Prisoners. Yes, He alone sets the captives free! I am forever Grateful!

  3. Becca

     /  April 16, 2012

    Awesome – true, well-worded, gets to the heart of the matter. I want to cry and scream with you! May I show this (anonymously) to a law enforcement friend who IS trying to get other law enforcement officers AWARE?

    • Sure – I’d be happy for you to show your LE friend. I have been thankful to meet some “good guys” in the past couple years – there are men and women out there in law enforcement who are actually trying to help and become properly educated. We need more of that!

  4. I forgot to add in my previous post that we also must forgive those who wrong and hurt us. If we don’t, God will not forgive us. Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. Its a gift we give ourselves so that we can move on and be emotionally healthy. Never give someone else the power to destroy your life. Jesus loves you !

    • God will forgive us even if we don’t forgive others, BUT it does make it harder for us to be used by God and drives a wedge between the relationship with have with our Creator. I fully believe in the power of forgiveness – but I’m still going to vent about the pain of injustice.

      • “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15).

        It is very difficult to forgive sometimes, but when I think about Jesus who forgave those who were killing him, and when I think about how many times God has to forgive me, this makes forgiving others a little easier.

      • Please don’t quote scripture at me. Like I said before, I am fully aware of the importance of forgiveness and believe in it’s importance. I also strive to be honest and transparent as I write this blog. There are scores of people who feel like they cannot be their “real” selves in the church or in front of God because of perpetuated attitudes of needing to be perfect before you enter into a Christian community. I have no desire for that attitude. We are all broken and I’m just trying to be authentic about that broken-ness… hence my disclaimer at the beginning on the post that my words were simply an emotional reaction and not a rational response. God and I are working the mess of my wounds out together. He HAS forgiven me and will also convict me as He sees fit. I don’t hate the “person” of a law enforcement official but I do hate when corruption in the system occurs and that distain is OK. I appreciate your heart for forgiveness but I am at peace with my own convictions that are also founded in scripture. Thanks.

  5. I’m blown away by what you write and I want to thank you for your courage in sharing it with the world. I don’t know if you are doing this already but maybe you could use the terrible things that have happened to you to educate law enforcement agencies and make them aware of how to spot people who are caught in this same situation. Maybe putting a face and a voice on such an ugly industry can help others who are still living it.

    Keep writing. I’m praying for your healing daily.

  6. I fully sympathize with what you have gone through.. Someone I am close to was raped by a stranger when she was still a child. Dragged in the woods and nearly died. I myself was accused of committing a horrible crime and locked up immediately for a month before they discovered they had made a grave error and a rush to judgement.By that time my name and reputation was tarnished. Not one person in Law Enforcement ever apologized to me.

    No matter what happens I will never call the police. If I witness a crime I won’t report it. Why? Because many times the ones who call 911 are the first suspect and the more you proclaim your innocence, the deafer they get.

    God bless you!


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