My Relapse Lie

Let’s talk about right now the thing I reeeeally don’t want to talk about.  Relapse.  First of all, what is relaspe in the context of trafficking?  It’s when a girl, previously controlled by a pimp/trafficking finds freedom and yet at some point seemingly gives up her freedom and returns to her abuser.  Yes, this may sound absurd, but from the eyes of the girl, it’s actually complety logical (and a normal part of the healing process).

Secondly, I’d like to express my distain for the word “relapse.”  A relapse implies that someone has retuned to a negative addiction to “something”.  I’d like to argue that it’s usually not that these girls are addicted to sex or money… but more that they just still haven’t found in their new life what they were looking for to begin with… real love.  As I look at my own life, I might even say that it’s the misunderstanding of love, value and identity that trigger my desires to return to The Life.

Lies like, You’re fulling yourself to think that you’re anything more than a whore; Everyone can tell what you’ve done; Life is harder now than it ever was before; You’re going to fail again, just stick to sex, it’s all you’re worth; No one’s ever going to love you here; You were so horrible and disloyal to leave, you broke their hearts and ruined their lives– how dare you?!… lies like those have a certain knack for infiltrating the mind at its weakest moments.  I know that these are lies, my mind KNOWS this… but sometimes it takes my heart a moment to catch up and I find myself entertaining the possibility of going back… going back to what was once home.

There is so much shame wrapped up in all of this.  I feel much shame because I can honestly say that I’ve never missed my parents.  What kind of person can say that? I must be bad for feeling that way, right?  But it’s true.  There’s nothing about the people who put me in front of rape night after night that I miss.  They, and all the other traffickers and pimps out there, are the ones who first instilled those lies in my heart.  The truth is though, I know that I’m worth more than a life of prostitution.  I know real love, love that wants nothing in return is possible.  That’s what I have to cling to.  I can’t go back… I just can’t allow myself to go back.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 3/12/12 and 6/13/12)

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2 Comments

  1. i am sorry for what you have been through, it sucks that we who have been abused feel such shame. it wasn’t our faults! i understand to a degree the thought of going back, it is what you know, it is a “comfort zone.” you are worth more though!

    Reply
  2. Nik

     /  July 2, 2012

    “If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I wouldn’t pass it around. I wouldn’t be doing anyone a favor. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it…meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it”. Oliver Wendell Holmes

    You really are an exceptional person. God is looking down on you with a tear in His eye but great joy in His heart.

    Hang in there Kiddo, you’re doing fine and exemplifying the Christian life like few others.

    Reply

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