Madre

I ran into a bit of trouble today.  As I began to process it, all I could think of was how much I wanted a mom .

I hate myself so much for that… go ahead, scold me for that hate if you like, but it’s the truth of how I feel.  I’m an adult, who in a moment of need, is desperately longing for a kind mother to hold me.  Someone who will, in a trite way, tell me that everything’s going to be alright… like those moms on TV always do.  I hate this because it makes me feel childish instead of independent, weak instead of strong.

Thinking back over my life I can’t help but wonder how different things would have been if I’d had a mother I could talk to, one I didn’t have to take care of all the time.  I wonder what it would have been like to sit down for an awkward birds and the bees talk at the right age.  I wonder how her hair would have smelt tucking me into bed.  What would it have been like to argue with a mother and yet know, deep down, that she loved me.

I can’t even tell you how deep the pain stings to not be able to pick up a phone and have someone who’s known me from childhood answer.  I don’t miss… the mother I grew up with… I guess because I never really had her.  She was a woman who helped facilitate my abuse, not protect me.  So when I left my trafficking situation, I left her as well.

Many girls who end up in trafficking situations have dysfunction, abuse, neglect or absence in their family.  Whether they’re trapped by a boyfriend, a stranger, or a parent, brokenness in the relationship between child and mother or child and father is a common unifier.  Someone asked me recently, “What’s the best way prevent trafficking?”  The list of solutions are difficult but really rather straight-forward: adopt, foster, mentor, strengthen families, disciple.  In short, love unconditionally.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 8/8/12)

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3 Comments

  1. i wish i had my mom too i cry a lot because she is not there for me and i am 41…sorry you’re hurting. xo

    Reply
  2. Nik

     /  August 13, 2012

    I wouldn’t dare scold you.
    You’re dealing with a very deep wound which won’t heal overnight but also serves to demonstrate something positive. It says that you haven’t lost your sense of communion, or feel you don’t need love, or that you’ve outgrown this most basic need, or that you’re too tough to need it, or have outgrown such foolishness as a longing for the childlike love that evaded you due to circumstances far beyond your ability to control or alter.
    This would all point to denial and I already know from previous blogs that you’re well aware of the danger of denial. The figure of a real mother is, I’m sorry, only in your mind; it is not a reality because you’ve passed that portion of your life where it should have been. There is a huge empty hole in your childhood that can not be refilled in your adulthood. Please forgive me for saying it but it’s the truth and it will always be a profound memory of failure; a failure that was not or is not yours.
    You have already overcome a trememndous amount of adversity in your life as your Aug . 7 blog points out. And the secret to your accomplishment is no secret at all. It’s the fact that Truth hinges on; unconditional love. It’s not only the answer to the prevention of the horror of trafficking but also the answer to how to recover from it.
    Love is a powerful serum that flows from deep within and can be felt from miles away even when that someone who feels it for another is not physically present. You have many faithful and loving friends around you who will gladly take hold of that little girl inside you who still longs to be held by her mother. It won’t be the same but it will reenforce your normallcy and the fact that love wins out and also the fact that you are recovering, and a good sincere hug feels O so good.
    Hang in there Kiddo, you’re doing fine.

    Reply
  3. I know you probably have many people you can confide in, but if you ever need a “mom” to talk to, please don’t hesitate to call me. I am a good “holder”.

    Reply

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