Woe is No One

“Woe is me.” the phrase does no one any good, ever.  I’d be lying though if I said that I’d never had one of those moments…  Or many of those moments.

Life seems to go wrong in just one too many areas.  You think you’re winning, only to find out the loss is an inning away.  You find a miracle to pay for one repair and then the car starts to make funny noises.  A death is remembered, another realized, the bank balance is red and health is fading.  That’s life. You want to throw in the towel and say, “I give.  I’m done.  You win.”  But again, that’s life.  I have to be too stubborn to give up, even when I want to.

One particular evening has been coming to memory a lot lately… An evening where I just wanted to give up.  I had been sent to see a new guy that night.  From his demeanor I could  quickly guess that he was kinky and loved the rough sort of sex.  Without going into unnecessary detail, I’ll say that I found myself in a bathtub and in fear of my life that night.  Managing to get away from this demon with only terror and a few cuts and bruises, I felt as though I’d won.

Reality then set in as I snuck my way back home, only partially clothed.  As I went, I tried to figure out what to tell my father (my pimp). No sex = no money and since I ran out on the crazy guy, I was returning with no money.  Fostering a strong spirit denial, by the time I entered through our garage I had myself convinced that he would understand I was in danger and would not be as angry.  I was wrong and was punished greatly that night.

It wasn’t the physical pain of a beating or fear of the John that impacted me the most from that night.  It was this doomed feeling that I couldn’t win.  No matter what, I was stuck loosing and so why even try?  I felt that feeling today and hated it just as much now as I did then.

Please God, help me find an area of “winning” that I can hang on to. Allow hope to scream its pride loudly in my life.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 8/14/12)

%d bloggers like this: