The Pain of Healing

The healing process is no simple or sweet.  To heal from trauma one grieves the moments of happiness they lost.  Healing forces you to rip off protective scabs and pick away at the true cause of infection.  It’s a bitter process.  Below is a journal entry from a night of my healing when I felt particularly bitter.   I don’t share it because I want pity for my pain.  I share it because I want people to understand that it’s work, damn hard work to get through and heal from brokenness.  I want others to understand that it’s ok to be authentic in this struggle because there IS hope ahead.

“I don’t know what to do.  I have to get out of here- I have to get out of this pain- I have to run.  Feeling hurts just too damn bad- just too damn bad.  How do I do this, how to I get out safely?  How?  How is it ok to feel these feelings?  The pain is so deep it’s as if it will kill me itself.  The knife of despair twists tight against my gut, making every breath a battle.  Why do people choose to feel this?  Why- no – HOW is it supposedly healthy?  How can this much pain be healthy?

I’ve got to run, I’ve got to run, to leave, but there’s no where to go. Stuck. My 5 letter cuss word. STUCK. I feel stuck. Everything I need  to comfort me is just out of reach or off limits. I’m not going to go speed in my car, there’s nothing quiet to hit, I shouldnt drink, I won’t let myself cut, it’s stupid to think that empty sex would fill any void, my prayers feel feeble and I can’t type or write fast enough for the emotion to be expressed at the magnitude it needs to be. There’s no drug, legal or illegal that I’d chose and so I sit. Sit in the pain and try to write as damn fast as I possible can until the moment subsides. Still- the only phrase I can think of to express is low on the intelligence spectrum… F–k it. F–k it all. That’s all I’ve got tonight… Just a fuck basket full of angry and a longing heart waiting for God to comfort me.”

So much of what I was taught growing up was to stuff emotions, to not feel.  I couldn’t feel if I wanted to survive, I just couldn’t.  The emotion would have killed me back then.  So it was good at that time, for me to go numb.  It was necessary.  It’s now far less necessary and I understand that to truly be healthy I must emote… this just happens to be an incredibly painful process for a “newbie” such as me.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 8/16/12)

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6 Comments

  1. amy

     /  August 28, 2012

    again, this is another powerful post. this resonates with me very much…the words seem to be what I want to say. healing is painful, jesus is powerful and good, but healing is hard and He often feels quite far away. I often go through my list of things I can’t do (cut, scratch, binge, suicide, etc etc) and end up just cursing as well… I never knew I had such a dirty mouth until I began to take off the masks I was wearing before the Lord!

    I so appreciate your writing, it often encourages me to start a anonymous blog of my own! Much grace on your journey—

    Reply
  2. Jen

     /  August 23, 2012

    Over the past hour I’ve been fuming and frustrated over an accumulation of things from work, life and fruitless battles of trying to get people to understand. And then I saw beneath an email that quite irked me, your blog post titled “The Pain of Healing.” I hadn’t read it yet because I hadn’t “found the time” in the craziness of this week. It was a God moment for me. God poking at my shoulder and saying “you’re in the wrong spot, cast all of your cares upon me.” All I can say is, thank you.

    Reply
  3. I feel no pity, just pride when I think of your journey and the courage it took to get out and face the pain….great stuff! Yes, I’ve been a place not completely like yours but have filled many a notebook with similar words….

    Reply
  4. Nik

     /  August 20, 2012

    O Lord, hear my prayer for my little sister. That the healing ahead of the pain of her past will eventually come to the point of totally covering her in the hope and joy of your presence. That it be so prevailing in her life that it is the first thing she sees, feels and realizes each and every moment of each and every day. That You gently but firmly bring her to that point of experiencing You before she experiences her past…again.

    O Lord, wrap Your loving arms around her that she feels she can face anything life has to throw her way, even those memories which would destroy even the strongest of people outside of You. Let her both see and feel Your deep and abiding love before those impregnated feelings of scorn, shame and anger have their chance, once again, to work their way back into her psyche. That You be raised as her past is lowered back into the pit from which it came. Let her know Lord, moment by moment, of Your complete and inexhaustible love and devotion for and to her.

    O Lord, bless her resolve to hang in there to the glory of her Father, You Lord. Let her think of You as “Abba” which is who You are and who You desire to be in her life. And Lord, I pray for that Love in her life that can only be attributed to your love for her. I pray for that very special person that she can share her life with and the family she so longs for.

    Thank You Father that You so delight in Your children and so delight in answering our prayers. Thank You Lord that each of our journeys are coming closer and closer to You and that all this adversity we experience only adds treasures for us in heaven. Thank You Lord that we can and are looking and waiting for Your answer to my prayer for my little sister. Praise be to God!

    All to Your glory and honor,
    Nik

    Reply
  5. i can feel your pain and thank you for posting that and letting us know, that it is okay to feel what we feel! xo

    Reply
  1. I’m real, I’m raw, I’m just me « If Happy Ever After Did Exist…

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