Too Bad, So Sad

Here’s a question I’ve never been wanting to ask for immense fear of the answer.  What’s wrong with me? I mean really, what’s wrong with me??  Why has no one wanted me?  Was I really such a bad kid, a bad baby?  Did I cry too much?  They said I cried a lot.  As I got older, they said I was too sensitive.  Was I too ugly, too fat, top stubborn, too much trouble?

Was it because I was disrespectful to them that they hated me so much?

I remember from her… I remember my mother repeatedly telling me that “I wasn’t hers, she had no daughter, you’re not good enough to be my daughter.” Maybe that was it… Maybe it was because I had a hard time with spelling… I still remember her laughter when I made mistakes.

I remember from him… “you’re worthless!” being said over, and over and over… I never remember  “I love you”, I never remember a hug… Not that I would have wanted one anyway.  The only physical contact I remember was playing Horsey when I was a little kid (a pleasant enough game) but then the violence of the day that usually overshadowed previous joy and any chance at safety.

I never, never, remember her holding me to comfort me.  Why wouldn’t she do that?  Why was I so repulsive? Why was I so bad?  Why couldn’t I just be good?  If I were good than I wouldn’t have been tied to a bed post for over 7 hours until I apologized — never mind that I specifically recall not even knowing why I was in trouble.  But if I were “good” maybe it wouldn’t have mattered.

If I were good than maybe somebody, somewhere down the line would have wanted me.  I used to lie awake on nights when I was so young and long for the death of my parents.  I’d long for someone to come and rescue me and for a real family to be mine someday.  I’d wonder if I’d ever have the courage to be bad enough to get my parents in trouble.  (It took some 10 years for that day to come, and I still to this day feel guilt for it.)

Why have I never been good enough to keep around, good enough to be wanted by someone other than God.  The number 1 question of my adolescence respondents loud in my mind again tonight… WHY?  They would have never sold my brother, he was too good… but they sold me, so I must have been too bad.

Maybe I’m just too far gone. Intellectually I know this is all a lie, but the forceful question has still left a scar on my heart.

May this blog serve as an education to those who do not yet know or understand the atrocities of trafficking and may it serve as an encouragement to those who understand it all too well.

(Post originally written 9/22/12)

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9 Comments

  1. Andrew Jackson

     /  November 8, 2012

    Hi

    Are you OK? There hasn’t been a post in a while and I’ve been thinking about you and this blog quite a bit in the past three weeks and every time I have I’ve prayed for you and the journey to recovery that you and those around you are on.

    Don’t give up, turn to God. What I mean by that is when you feel like you’re overwhelmed ask Him for help, ask Him to strengthen you and get you through. He loves you and will get you through. He won’t abandon you – ever.

    God bless,
    Andrew

    Reply
  2. Hey, just wondering how you’re going, as you haven’t posted for a while. I actually think of you often, and every time I do, it prompts me to keep working against human trafficking.

    Reply
  3. I pray for you every time I think of you.

    Reply
  4. I know that feeling, underneath the skin. I know it takes time of telling yourself that the message is a lie before you feel it deep down. When the old message, the feeling comes up, it’s okay to cry it out, like being washed on the inside ……. Sometimes you have to turn inward to do it and come out on the other side with the insight, the ramha, gaining just one more deeply ingrained truth that can never leave you because you found it deep within, because God whispered it to you in such a powerful way. Thank you for sharing your truth, because just writing it, saying it out loud works its power to release the poisonous effects from the past. But the truth is, it just comes up some times. Things happened. I know things happened to me and I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt or effect me. It did. I just go through the process, in layers. Sometimes triggers bring it up and the stress of those triggers makes me reevaluate where I am what I’m doing….it not worth how its making me feel. I’ve gone thru too much to not be gentle and honoring with myself today. I’m not special, but I deserve extra special pampering because I am a survivor. The trauma I went thru was extreme and where I am today surely attests to Gods miracle working powers. It’s okay. I can just give it all to God. I can’t do it (whatever I’m trying to do on my own). A day at a time 🙂

    Reply
  5. I wish I were there to look you straight in the eyes and tell you what a beautiful soul you are…I can feel it from here…You were ALWAYS good enough, even though the messages were to the contrary and your upbringing horrible.

    I will wrap you in love and light and hold you close, hoping you feel some of it…We are out here and we care…

    I had very similar feelings when I wrote this and even though I consider your situation much more difficult, I’m struck by the sacrifices we were willing to make even as small children http://rescuinglittlel.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/singing/

    Blessings to you…

    Reply
  6. God bless you sister…over and over and over and over for writing this way, for bringing to light the song in the heart of too many other precious little girls. On my knees right now, praying for you, praying for “……” (Jesus knows her name) – that these lies will be brought to light for her too.

    Reply
  7. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably your honest heart cry. Please forgive those who haven’t been sensitive to your pain as an adult. I’m sorry, because I know I’ve not been sensitive to the pain of many hurting around me. And, I hope – sincerely pray – that Jesus will reveal His attitude toward you in the first memories you have of being rejected – of not being good enough. I pray your heart will be able to revisit those memories in His presence, so truth can replace the initial lies from the enemy and heal the wound that’s still raw and reactive when touched. You’re loved beyond measure.

    Reply
  8. martyd@truebluetrans.com

     /  September 24, 2012

    Man judges by the outer appearance (how they value someone)
    but the Lord looks at the heart. (1 Sam. 16:7)
    Isn’t it good, that God chooses the lowly, the despised things of this world – the things that are not – to nullify the things that are. (1 Cor. 1:28).
    He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire,
    He set my feet on a rock,
    and gave me a firm place to stand. (Ps. 40’2)

    Reply
  9. Oh my goodness, you were good enough they weren’t. i’m so sorry that they ingrained that message in you. whilst i wasn’t sold into trafficking i was brought up with the “not good enough” message…i struggle terribly with it today. abuse was my constant companion starting in the womb, and the parents called themselves “Christians”.

    Reply

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